Bipolar and Thinking

Bipoler 1 makes you think very strange things. You wake up either high or down in the dumps not wanting to get out of bed. Sometimes when I wake up, if I sleep at all, all I want to do is jump out of bed make some coffee, smoke a cigarette (because what I’ve heard about mental illness that smoking is huge) and sit and think about the only thing a girl can think about; her one true love. Supposing he’s real or only fictionally shown to you. In mania and the highth above mania, psychosis, you can have visions and hear things that lead your brain along the same lines. Many thoughts, voices and feelings in the state of psychosis are what bring that feeling of ultimate euphoria. Even if only he was in your life for a short time or in your vision you can fall madly or I’d say deadly in love. The kind of love where you end up driving to the nearest bridge and question jumping off. Or by checking yourself into a hospital or having your mother check you into a hospital if your not picked up by the police for driving around manically and aimlessly lost.

When I personally take mood stabilizers they are the best for me. Like Lithium and Seroquel. But you end up really bloated and overweight. The antipsychotic pills, never helped me. They again didn’t stabilize my mood and really didn’t cut out the voices, they just made me gain more weight. On the opposite of that spectrum you have the option to take topomax which is the only drug that makes you lose weight. Unfortunately you can end up back in the hospital for the a side effect of that medication which is “sudden death” sudden death is actually a side effect of the drug. In documentation I have read there has been more than 200 deaths when people take it. Which I swear I was almost one of them, ending me back in the hospital again feeling like my bones were cracking or falling off. This is a very hard diagnosis to be contained by anything, but a mood stabilizer and even with that you have a lot of side effects from medication like, excessive thirst and hunger, vomiting and stomach issues including diarrhea, hormonal issues, excessive sweating. Not mentioning that you have to get your blood drawn on some of these meds. Still strictly with antipsychotics I still heard voices and since getting overweight on mood stabilizers one can opt to drink alcohol or (hopefully not, and not in my case, illegal drugs) to ease and numb the pain of the heartbreak (and in my case) for lack of a better word, drown out the voices, especially when they turn vicious and mean. But you can in the end up getting addicted to illegal drugs and alcohol…. and cigarettes; Ending up in a rehab facility. Through the whole experience I always thought God was working on me. Separating the the evil from the good, explaining things to me to at least make sense out of the situation. Then it was excessive yelling and hatred for years by one man I was in love with. (Wish I wish I wasn’t because it wouldn’t of hurt so bad!) Having this type of domestic violence in your head, so to speak, was very hurtful especially when you felt you had found “the one.” 

I guess for me it all started back when I was depressed in middle school and fell for a guy not falling for a me, because he was gay, and being abandoned and rejected by my mother after my dad left her. I guess I would get manic, but nothing to the degree of psychosis. And the one thing I notice in mania is that you don’t notice that you are in a manic state. Like I always felt I was normal, but people would say I would talk too much or too fast and couldn’t sleep and I’d find some kind of art or typing or try to entertain or make people laugh. At least do something excessively like for some it could be shopping, sex, or drinking too much. I use to type a lot on the internet to people and still do sometimes when I’m in a manic state. I have to say that PTSD can take place after trauma in these moments if you’re brutally honest about situations or trumatic things that have happened to you. At my breaking point, It happened around a rather trumatic experience in California (eh hem) but originally I felt it started way back when I was younger where the boundary lines got crossed with my girlfriends in daycare. And I only had that happen once after not being friends the girl who instigated the entire sexual exploitation. I was friends with only one girl afterwards acting out on her to get my power back then a lot on my own.  And trying to watch porn excessively to masturbate to at 5-6 years old. It became a domino effect in my life years after. Getting excessively sexual afterwards. It sucks when your only outlet is excessive masturbation from your dad yelling at your mom over dinner every night and acting out violently screaming and tormenting you psychologically. So when you turn 7 and can’t remember much of first grade except being in the nurses office for severe and recurrent migraine headaches and going to specialists for that, it seems to me quite logical and natural. The middle periods of my life followed by periods of not dating anybody out of trust issues and then not dating anyone for years because of self-hatred, or fear because men seeing a sexual open door it follows a pattern where you end up getting abused by them in elementary school, threaten by a man I loved in high school. To eventually almost getting raped in my 20’s. Thank you at that time I had the power inside me to stand up and say NO to that whole scenario. You give up on love or because of trauma don’t want to trust anyone again. And when all actions with real people leave you hurt, blinded or taken advantage of then eventually taking advantage of. You start falling in the love with the safe ones. The ones you meet on TV or in bands. Of course unless you meet them in person. Than it becomes more real like maybe you might have had chance with them? Because if you’ve already viewed them from afar and they seem trustworthy. How awful could it be if you meet them. (Eye roll) and even if one, is super gentle and sweet with you. It almost becomes too real. Tragically you don’t even know these people that’s why I opted out of trying to have a relationship with someone famous. Although, one time I honored one for taking their time out with me grateful, that I did get to meet someone that I really admire. But of course admiration quickly crosses over with fascination then love and too quickly obsession (remember I have boundary issues) at least I think that’s where it stems from and your right back where you started except now your questioning in loneliness, pride and arrogance could I or did I even have a chance. Of course years too late. When it’s lack of self esteem that made you back off or hide in the first place.

So how should I end this entry. I really hope I can find a real love to call my own after getting through my trauma from childhood in therapy. As for medicine I think natural medicine, including supplements, vitamins and natural minerals of lithium and 5-HTP and aminos for serotonin as well as diet and exercise have been the best treatment for me personally, to this day. And trust me I have a lot more therapy sessions ahead of me. My advice: get normal, try not to self-medicate and stay off the Internet as much as possible. ❤️

Thanks.

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